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Bridesmaid sabatoge?
Bridal Party
Bridesmaid sabatoge?
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I know this might sound a little weird, and I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid so I'd lvoe to get your opinion on this. One of my bridesmaids is being really secretive about everything but is wei
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Bridesmaid sabatoge?
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I know this might sound a little weird, and I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid so I'd lvoe to get your opinion on this. One of my bridesmaids is being really secretive about everything but is wei
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Forums > General Wedding Planning Topics > Bridal Party > Bridesmaid sabatoge?

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Forums  >  General Wedding Planning Topics  >  Bridal Party  >  Bridesmaid sabatoge?

Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/4/2009 3:40 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I know this might sound a little weird, and I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid so I'd lvoe to get your opinion on this. One of my bridesmaids is being really secretive about everything but is weirdly helpful. Like she said she doesn't want me to worry about their dresses, so she'll handle it all.

then, I asked her to go with me to go shopping for their jewelry and she had a 'crisis' at the last minute so we just ended up going out for icecream so we didn't get jewelry. Shes like, oh i'll take care of all that too.  THen, my mom called her to plan my shower as a surprise and she said she was already planning on one so my mom didn't have to bother. BUt then my mom was asking her details and my friend didn't know any of it, so my mom told me becuase she thought it was weird.

Is she being helpful or trying to make me delay everything? Help!
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/4/2009 3:42 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 this is one of your best friends!!! Are you really that unable to talk to her?  Are you really that suspicious and mistrusting of her?  Do you really think your best friend would deliberatly sabatoge your wedding planning?

Seriously, if she is your best friend, you probably talk constantly.  So talk.  Tell her you want to see the dress and you're not too stressed to enjoy the planning process.  Tell her to stop protecting you and start sharing...That's what best friends do!! They communicate and they enjoy each other.

An old saying comes to mind....with friends like these, who needs enemies?
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/4/2009 4:58 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 That does sound weird.  I was pretty laid back about wedding stuff but I would want to know what kind of dresses the bridesmaids are ordering.  I guess what I mean is I wouldn't want to first be seeing the bridesmaid dresses the day of the wedding. 

It depends on how you're doing things.  I gave the girls the color, material and they ordered their own dress but I knew they were all getting the color I wanted because they all ordered through the same company and dress shop. 
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/5/2009 6:32 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Question here....did you tell your BM's to just pick a dress in a certain color, didn't matter what style....why is your friend handling this, wouldn't you want to have some hands on with this.  As far as the shower....your friend SHOULD be communicating with your Mom on details,dates, places...IMO, out of respect....when you went to go shopping for Jewelry, how did she have the time to go for ice cream, but didn't have the time to shop for the accessories...maybe it's just me and how I have to deal with my daughters, they are the more hands on and wanted to make sure that they were on top of things, why would you give some one so much authority to do the things that maybe you should be doing....just me, I know that everyone handles things in a different fashion.  Why does she feel that you can't handle things and that she can, this is your wedding right?
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/5/2009 9:52 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 That does seem a little odd. I would talk to her and explain that while you greatly appreciate her help, you need to know what is going on, so this "i'll take care of it" stuff needs to stop. If she is your friend you should be able to work this out fairly easy and move forward planning with her help.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/5/2009 11:01 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 In Response to Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?:
That does seem a little odd. I would talk to her and explain that while you greatly appreciate her help, you need to know what is going on, so this "i'll take care of it" stuff needs to stop. If she is your friend you should be able to work this out fairly easy and move forward planning with her help.
Posted by shelle1214


     I agree that this should be a matter for a simple friendly discussion.  With the exception of the shower, nothing is the bridesmaid's responsibility to plan unless specifically asked by the bride, and then the bride still needs straight answers.

     As to the shower, any close friend of the bride, or close family member (excluding Mom and sisters traditionally)  may plan a shower. 
     If she wants to surprise the bride, she can just give minimal details to the MOB or the bridal party, as in - I am planning one, thinking of this general month, will tell you more when further along.   Keeping details to herself while getting started is okay, and in families/groups of brides friends where some may be bossy or interfering, may well be the best.
      In time she does need to communicate some with MOB, MOG, or others, at least general plans - guest list will be just 20-25 friends, or 30 friends and bride's family  type generalities.  Others may want to plan other showers or events, and she needs to give them some info so everyone does not plan for the same group of people, and no one for others.

   She may not realize that her secrecy is not a tantalizing surprise, but infuriating.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/5/2009 2:20 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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If she is your best friend, I would have to assume that she's read too many "What is a MOH's duty" articles on The Knot and is trying to do as much as she can.

How far away is the wedding?  Are you getting down to a critical deadline to order dresses?

Do you have any bridesmaids?  Don't they think it's a little weird to deal with your MOH instead of you regarding the dresses.

Is she generally a screwball, overpromises things, or is she dependable?

Time to get a little assertive and say, thanks but I WANT to help pick out the bm dresses.  When is the appointment, I want to come.

She's your BFF, just talk to her.....
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 11:46 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Maybe you could have your mom ask her to see the guest list for the shower and see what she has to say about it. and keep asking about the jewlery and if you feel like your getting blown off tell her you are going on a certain day to get it and if she can't join you. Then have someone else go or have several of your bridesmaids go if you have more than one. This is your time don't let her make it a bad experience for you the only way she can do that is if you alow her to. I hope it all works out for you. Best Wishes. 
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 11:52 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 That's totally weird.  Ask her to step in your shoes and ask her if she would want to know what her bridesmaids are wearing if she was the bride.  Explain that it is nearly impossible to coordinate flowers, etc. if you can't see them.  It's true...

As a last resort, go to the remaining bridesmaids and ask them straight out to see the dress and jewelry (sp?).  That will tell you everything.  Bottom line is that it's your wedding, and if you are not comfortable being surprised, she needs to respect that and back off.  It's you and your fiance's special time and she should be willing to work within your wants and needs to help make it special.  Hiding things from you and being dismissive seems to be giving the opposite effect.  I'm mad for you!!

About the shower:  You need details.  You don't need to know what game you are playing, but you need to know date, place, time, who's being invited, and in what method.  What are you going to say otherwise when people ask?  Lastly, I'd like to add the following:  Most moms are overjoyed with their daughters' weddings and therefore want to help out in any way (and know details).  It's one thing if this MOH is trying to keep your stress at bay, but she's being a source of stress to (you as well) your mom by her actions. Not cool.  Say something ASAP.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:11 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Is she married? It sounds like she's trying to plan her own wedding. You should definetly talk to her.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:35 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 You are bride, and therefore, you are the boss!  Not this bridesmaid.  You need to take charge - meet with her and have a list of obejctives, things YOU want to have done, how you want it done , and give deadlines, and that you want her to work with your mother.  Have your mother there at the meeting with you for support and to affirm your position as the authority of your own wedding!  If she doens't agree or goes against your wishes, FIRE HER!
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:53 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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In one Sentence YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER! But you need to do it in a way that doesnt sound like you are suspicous of anything. For example, ask her about the jewelry by saying you want to know what it looks like so you make sure that it coordinates with yours. Stuff like! It is weird the way she is acting but it could be for a totally unrelated reason. Just talk to her
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:57 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Yeah that does sound like something maybe wrong. Just tell her that you would to be a little involved in what she is doing. After all it is your wedding!
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 1:02 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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This sounds like one of my girls as well and to me it feels like they are stalling everything. what i have done is stopped asking my girl for help and went to comeone eles have your mom plan what she wass going to do. ask other ppl in ur wedding also about her. and see if they have any info for you about her.
Jenn
Nov 5th 2011
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 1:48 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Communication is important. And for some odd reason your Bridemaide is not doing just that Communicating. U  need to talk to her. I mean if you dont then you may regret it. Good Luck
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 10:34 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I'm having a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids.  She doesn't respond to my e-mails or phone calls on time.  For the past two weeks, I have been trying to get her to commit to setting an appointment with me to visit the dress shop for the measurements and gown order. 

I sent her a save-the-date three weeks ago.  When I spoke to her a few days ago, my bridesmaid said she didn't have time to look at the wedding website link which was included in the save-the-date!!  I called her this morning to set up an appointment, and she never returned my call.  I emailed her yesterday, and she hasn't bothered to respond back.  Why would she accept my invitation, in the first place, to then act so weird afterwards?  What do you think that I should do? 
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/6/2009 11:01 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 First off this is your weddin everything is what you want on this one day . Plan on your own and use the bridesmaids for help. This should be a lot of help and fun with a little bit of stress. It seems to me like you are all stressed and no fun. Also if she is your best friend you should be able to let her know how you feel. Be strong and everything will be alright.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/7/2009 12:44 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 In Response to Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?:
     I'm having a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids.  She doesn't respond to my e-mails or phone calls on time.  ...  I sent her a save-the-date three weeks ago.  When I spoke to her a few days ago, my bridesmaid said she didn't have time to look at the wedding website link which was included in the save-the-date!!  I called her this morning to set up an appointment, and she never returned my call.  I emailed her yesterday, and she hasn't bothered to respond back. ...Posted by 8256820551430547


      The problem may  be  your expectation of on time  does not match hers (or mine.)
      Since she is in the wedding party, and knows the date, she may not have thought that a link was any essential info, simply stuff for some later time.
People do not necessarily answer emails within 24 hours, or return non-emergency phone calls the very same day.
     All the electronic dodads that make communication possible  do not mean someone is at your beck and call.   You are setting up timelines that suit you,  but they do not necessarily mesh with what is going on in her life right now. 

      How far away is the wedding?  If it is 5 or more months away,  then there is plenty of time to make an appointment and get dresses.

I know I have looked at my long term schedule when committing to be a bridesmaid, to make sure I would have a reasonable amount of free time  4 - 5 months before the wedding to deal with dresses etc, and 3-4 months ahead if planning and doing a shower.   For one wedding to happen 5 months after I finished grad school,  the bride started really harassing me - repeated phone calls, emails (which I returned) because starting at 14 months, she decided she wanted all bridal party stuff settled by 12 months- dresses ordered, all apts made for day of.  I had a 30 hour a week internship and 12 hours classes, plus reading and papers.  I finally said - no more. 
      It wasn't until MOB called 3 weeks later that I found out all 3 other bms and the  MOH had quit (2 in school, 1 trouble at 7 months pregnant, 1 with a child recovering slowly from surgery.  All this time crunch would have been gone in 3 months when the 3 of us students had 8 weeks off in summer, pg mom had had baby,  kid was healthy. And all 4 of us would also have been available Dec15 until the May wedding.  But no one figured on completing everything a year ahead, in May.
    Unless you are something like 3 1/2 months out,  you have not reached emergency, respond in 24 hours status.   Unfortunately, when you push too much, it can backfire.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/7/2009 1:19 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 If it was me i will be helping her with the dresses a nd the jewery she will not be doing it all by herself. For your mother she should plan the bridal shower anyway so just incase she(maid of honor) get into one of those moves and don't want to plan the shower.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/9/2009 9:48 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 1. this is not her wedding and you are right... she ain't right! does she wish that she was the bride? huuuummm. This is your wedding and your day don't let this be "her" wedding the way "she" wants it. Let her know that Everything will  be the way u want it... just thank her for all that she is trying to do and let her know that other people Will Be helping.
2. Demand that you see all of her "work in Progress" and this will let you know where she is going with this! Good LuckKiss
Ms. Sheena 2U
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/9/2009 11:41 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 It does seem like she is trying to plan her own wedding. Talk to her and go from there.  Let her know your concerns.  This is your wedding and you should know these details.  The BM dress is not something to be a suprise on your wedding date. 

Let us know how it goes.

Mrs. in 2010 :)
blog post photo

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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/9/2009 6:09 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Oh MY GOSH..I know this situation ALL TOO WELL! You shouldn't include any bridesmaids who are UN-interested or just doesn't seem to really care seeing you at your utmost happiest on your big day. Amidst our wedding planning last year, I asked the status on finding a makeup artist. She responded with "Will you stop bothering me, I have a life too you know!!" That comment was sooo hurtful that although her and I are still friends, I sure as heck do not FORGET! Bridesmaids will sabotage your big day AT ALL COSTS; they agree to be in your wedding party just so they can be in the pictures. They care about noone but themselves! You have to trust who you put in your wedding. There is too much $$$ involved for you to be a miserable bride - TRUST ME, IT SHOULD BE ONLY ABOUT YOU AND NOT LOUSY LACKLUSTRE BRIDESMAIDS! Cry

pingaling...

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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/11/2009 6:41 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 If she isn't including even your mother in on anything, I would drop her like a hot potato!  Unless some of your other bridesmaids can tell you what is going on then I wouldn't inlcude her in the bridal party. 
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/11/2009 8:06 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I think she is being unhelpful.  She is supposed to help you and help keep you stress free.  She sounds like she is creating more stress then help for you.
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Re: Bridesmaid sabatoge?

posted at 11/20/2009 5:00 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I agree with others here but a little more cynically- talk to her but speak to others (bridesmaids etc) to double check.
I had a "best friend" who claimed to be organising my 18th big fancy dress do (Im in the UK so became legal to drink, here its a real big one) with bands playing the works.
She became similarly reticent about the venue etc my lil sis tried to book a club but bf said 'no no, its sorted'  same with my costume... long story short day before announced had no pa, so I sorted it, on the day announced she didn't have my costume and had to work. Couldn't get hold of her all day, when we turned up to the venue- never booked. Luckily the hall was free and we managed to get it last minute (big bro covered deposit and charged all mates £2/$4 to get in for the rest) so it all worked out.
BUT if I'd pushed my suspicions I'd have known beforehand so have a long talk and make it clear you need to see everything- if dresses etc aren't av to see she should at least have reciepts- say you need them for something, or need to know cut to decide on bouquet/corsage whatever.
Good Luck and I hope she's just trying to be helpful Wink
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