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Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
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Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
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So I'm having a pretty tough desicion here, ESPECIALLY since my wedding is a month away! But I cannot take any more drama or problems from my MOH any longer! Initially when I was "chose" (coherced by
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Bridal Party
Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
<font color="#ffffff">From bridal dresses to groomsman dilemmas, get and give style advice here.</font>
So I'm having a pretty tough desicion here, ESPECIALLY since my wedding is a month away! But I cannot take any more drama or problems from my MOH any longer! Initially when I was "chose" (coherced by
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Cat:336d8010-1fcd-4410-9356-c39e985527ecForum:ecade572-d204-48dc-83f9-2f0436fe2c89Discussion:524232c2-432d-4a15-949f-3bbbfb80b4ab
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Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/18/2009 10:36 AM CDT
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So I'm having a pretty tough desicion here, ESPECIALLY since my wedding is a month away! But I cannot take any more drama or problems from my MOH any longer!
Initially when I was "chose" (coherced by her) to make her my MOH- I knew she may give me some hassle- thats just her nature- but it has BY FAR surpassed that!
Mind you- she didn't lift a finger, nor even help with ANYTHING for my shower- oh wait- she brought cookies! No help with planning, or anything else!
She hasnt done NOTHING- and I mean absolutely, positively NOTHING- with planning my Bach. party. My soon to be SIL (SSIL), and other maid have now been picking up her slack! She wont even return thier calls, she will only text, when she feels like it! I KNOW for a fact she has nothing going on- she works a 9-5, has a bf and thats all! She spends her weekends completely inhebriated all the while my my SSIL, with her two jobs, two kids and husband does all the planning.
My SSIL tried getting them all together for a 'maids date'. and she hasn't called her back once! So they got together without her!
Her dress has sat at my mothers house since January (she works 1 mile away) and now she has 1 week left to get it altered, and SHE BLAMED IT ON ME!
Anyime I try to constructively approach her lack of cooperation she blames the ENTIRE thing on me, and how she doesn't KNOW what to do, or that she had to plan my party, or et her dress fitted!
Last week- she even asked "If she really had to fix my dress during our ceremony, everytime I moved. Cuz shes gonna be busy holding stuff"?
So.. to me.. my maid of honor- is someone who helps you, who you honor for doing so! Which undoubtidly would be my SIL! So-do I just allow her to conitnue with her snotty, selfish ways, and have to help HER the day of my wedding- or ask her to either step down as a MOH, or kick her out compltely??
I know it's horribly tacky, and down right obnoxious, especially this close to the wedding-BUT- now she's even complaining about having to get up at 7 the morning of my wedding to get her hair and makeup done!
PLEASE HELP ME!!! I'm afraid if I just let it continue, I will end up pushing my limit, and backfire, and possibly say something very unforgiveable. But at this point, Ive realized shes not much of a friend at all! (sorry so long)!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/18/2009 11:13 AM CDT
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OK...a week away I think you are pretty much stuck with her. You can give her the option of bowing out, but you may just have to put up with it. One option you may have is to have your SIL help you with your dress if she doesn't want to - just make sure she knows she will not be standing right next to you.
One thing to keep in mind is that she is not responsible for throwing you a shower or b-party - anyone can do that and no one is obligated- so try not to get upset with her for that. But it is her responsibility to take care of her dress - and don't let her blame you for that. If she doesn't get it altered then no big, she won't be in the wedding.
Is her hair and makeup something you want her to do or is it her wish to get it done professionally? If she doesn't want to, then let her do it herself. I'm sure it will look nice. 3 of 5 bridesmaids of mine did theirs themselves, and I even did my own make up. Everyone looked beautiful.
I'm sorry you are having troubles with her. I had a similiar situation, and it can be frustrating to have your friend not stand by your side in the way that you expected. In my situation, my former friend has always been pushy, argumentative, bossy, (basically b!tchy) and I overlooked that to have her in the wedding. It didn't last, but in hindsight I should have known. I'm willing to bet that some, if not all, of these tendencies, did not spring up overnight with your friend. Maybe you were able to overlook them before, but not now.
You probably do not want to completly lose her as a friend, so try to suck it up and work around her. It's great that you have a SIL who is so supportive to lean on. If she is there for you then turn to her for advice or help in what you may need, and just know that as long as MOH shows up in her dress looking pretty, then officially her job is done.
Isn't hindsight always 20/20?
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/18/2009 11:30 AM CDT
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Correction- If I put a week, I'm sorry. Its next month-October! lol!! Sorry!
Ive known she was always a little hassleing- but I NEVER wouldve saw this commming! I know it's not her responsability, ut I believe it's more hurtful then anything! I'm sick of being blamed, and reminded of how her "figmentive' wedding is going to be SOO better.
I'm not looking for her to buy me the taj mahal, I just want her cooperation, and involvement!
As far as hair- now- being who she is- I asked her to get them done. She wanted to wear it in a regular pony tail. And she doesn't wear makeup! I explained to her that the cameras will wash her out, and that she'll need some color. She said she doesnt know how to, and that I'll ust have to live with it!!! Umm.. I'm sorry, Idc that I may be asking her to get it done, but she's not going to tel me, I'm going to have to live with it! Ive been VERY LAX- I'm letting them wear thier own jewelry, hairstyles,shoes. Whatever!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/18/2009 12:13 PM CDT
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I had to change my MOH less than a month before my wedding. It can be done. Just be sure you have someone (SIL?) lined up who would be willing to take over, then talk to your current MOH and ask her if she'd be more comfortable attending as a guest. Just let her know that you'll be happy whatever decision she makes; don't make it seem like you're "firing" her.
Also, re: the makeup and hair. Are you asking her to pay for having it professionally done, or are you offering to pay for it yourself? If she's supposed to be footing the bill, she may not have the extra money (I know a nice haircut can get very pricey!). Why not let her wear her hair in a French braid or something that she can do herself. If she doesn't generally wear make-up, maybe you or another friend can help her apply the basics. A little bit goes a long way, and she needn't have to pay a professional to do it.
Good luck! :)
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/18/2009 1:14 PM CDT
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FIRE her lol, I wiosh I could fire one of my maids but I just feel so terrible even though she's being terrible but it has nothing to do with the wedding she's just become this bad friend from one day to the next. Ever since I got engaged she's become a bitter betty. My DH says that she's never been a good friend I've just never seen it since I've been such a good friend to her. Whatever the point is whether or not this wedding would have occured our friendship would have been doomed b/c she's a biaaach.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/19/2009 12:20 AM CDT
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OMG!!!! Switch roles sister!!! Switch them now!!! I would jsut ask your SIL and tell your so-called friend where she is standing at the rehearsal. No bones about it. You are standing here, you are a BRIDESMAID, only the MOH stands next to the bride and that's your SIL.
You just gotta go for it. I've heard to many people regret the people they chose and wish they would have changed it when the time came. I'm sorry you are going thru this!!! REMEMBER-----------This is so totally your day. Don't let anyone take it away from you, it sounds like she is!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/21/2009 4:00 PM CDT
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I should have switched my MOHs but didn't and regret it. I didn't make a change because I didn't want to hurt feelings involved.
I didn't expect any of my bridal party to do anything except show up on time to the wedding.
It would have been nice if they would have been helpful the day of the wedding but they didn't so there's nothing I can do about it now.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/21/2009 5:43 PM CDT
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Hi there,
My own input....I just don't really "get" the whole "title" thing. So your SSIL has been a better companion/friend to you during this time, and you know will be more helpful to you as your wedding approaches and likely on your wedding day as well. Take advantage of this (and I dont' mean this in a negative way), and appreciate it!!! While assessing your other friend and accepting her for what she is and her limitations, rather than resenting them.
I would personally not bother with all the hoopla of changing titles. I would however, take your SSIL out to lunch or a special spa day, or wine-tasting, or something like this, just the two of you. Let her know how helpful she has been to you during this time, and how excited you are that she is going to be in your life and family--that you've gained much more than just your FH as a result of this wedding. Tell her she's gone above and beyond, and how much you appreciate it. Give her a special gift (apart from the traditional appreciation gifts), that demonstrates your appreciation. At the wedding, get a special portrait of just the two of you.
Do you really think that as long as you acknowledge her input and help, she cares that much about her title? Probably not. It'll be a nice "wink" between the two of you.
That'd be my approach!!!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/27/2009 9:00 AM CDT
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I feel your pain...
I suggest you TELL her she's fired as the MOH and she's no longer invited to the wedding. Hire your SIL, she's doing all the right things (giving emotional support, taking charge of the MOH duties, etc.) even though, she's not the MOH.
I may come off as cold, but the reality is your current MOH is a B%T@H who as you aptly put it "snotty and selfish".
Your wedding day should be a memorable and happy day for you, don't give her the satisfaction to ruin this for you. FIRE HER NOW!! before you regret it on your big day.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/29/2009 12:09 PM CDT
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I KNOW it's not 'PC' to expect your MOH to throw showers, and act excited, go dress shopping with you and drool over flowers and colors.... but I want to HONESTLY say that there are certain things, as a bride, I would expect. My MOH was my sister... and growing up our whole lives we were to be each other's MOH's. Best bet, at her wedding, she won't have to think twice that things will be handled. I feel that if you can't trust in your MOH to have your back and relieve some stress then you have the wrong MOH! I know people say that all your wedding party needs to do is get a dress and show up... but MOH should be the cream of the crop, your #1... why wouldn't they automatically do these things? And why shouldn't you expect certain things of them? If i was asked to be MOH, I'm automatically thinking of all the things I will want to plan with the bride.. party dates, themes, etc..... because maybe you arent ASKED to do these things, but the ball is in your court.. why would you let the bride down during her time to shine?? I don't get it.
Back to OP: If this person can't co-operate a month away from the wedding.... they will probably just let you down even more, the closer you get! You don't need this stress. You don't need to worry about your wedding party!!! There are enough stresses that come about. I would also suggest having a heart-to-heart... is it about money? 'Hey Joan, I understand if you don't want to do this.. just tell me if you want me to choose another MOH...'
Sorry for rambling.. but I had MOH issues... and sometimes damnit you just have to stand up for yourself. Don't let people crap on you or your wedding! I'm not talking bridezilla.. but sometimes people will take advantage or leave you hanging (until they ask YOU to be MOH mmm-hmmm...)
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~ Married on September 19, 2009 ~
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 9/30/2009 11:25 AM CDT
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I picked bridesmaid just b/c I knew she would help out and take charge, but when it came down to it she has done NOTHING!! Thank god she's only a bridesmaid. I feel like she made a ton of empty promises and has not delivered on ONE. She said she could get me my cake for free, discount on flowers and plan this great b party. I didn't plan on her doing all this but when someone tells you that they are gonna do it, then i expect it!! Not one thing has came through so my mom & I had to do everything.
I had the "talk" with her about being a guest and she went and got her dress so I felt like I coulndn't let her go after that. I have a 11 days til my wedding and i'm very nervous to see what she does or doesn't do next!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/1/2009 2:53 PM CDT
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Switch NOW! if it is this bad, do you really want to be stressing and dealing with it on your WEDDING DAY? Just let her know you are having someone else be the MOH (maybe your SIL?) and either have the Former MOH as a guest (or no gues if you dont want her there). you deserve someone who will help you relieve the pressure and stress of your day not add to it.
As to the MOH responsible to throw the bridal shower and bach. party, it is her responsiblity to host it or to ensure it is done by either another bridesmaid and even then, she is the MOH, she is the ensure the bridesmaid is doing there job, staying in line, etc etc.
hope you do what is best for you and good luck!
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Mrs. in 2010 :)
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/9/2009 8:27 AM CDT
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Same issue with me...I'm getting married in just over 2 months, made my future sisterinlaw my maid of honor--big mistake. I can't even get her to return a phone call, let alone try to plan something. She started plannign a shower for me, but then kept making comments like " but ya know, we can still cancel this thing if you want..."Why would I want to cancel my own shower?? I finally said hey, this is obviously a lot for you, if you can't handle it, let's cancel it--so she did!!
Anywho, I have figured out a way around it...I added a Matron of honor--there's no reason you can't have both, and as long as you pick someone who has already demostrated that they are worthy, you don't have to worry. Plus, you won;t have to stress over the drama of stripping someone of their title.
Hope this helps!!
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/9/2009 9:36 AM CDT
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Why don't you send her a text and tell her she's a BM now and your SIL is the MOH. Maybe she'll understand since you sent it by text. LOL! ;) But seriously, sounds like she really isn't that great a friend so if she gets upset about you changing your mind, then so be it. Her problem. Not yours.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/9/2009 10:21 AM CDT
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OH lord honey! I woudl have gotten rid of her a while ago with her throwing tantrums like that!
Keep in mind that this is YOUR day, not hers. I'd probably uninvite her from the whole thing. Is she the type of person that if you ask her to bow down that she will show up and act like a fool at the wedding? Keep in mind, people come into our lives for a reason or for a season. Evaluate if she is really a good friend to you and if not, let it go. Let your SIL step up, it sounds like she loves it!
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"Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale."
~October 16, 2010~
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/9/2009 10:48 AM CDT
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I feel your pain ... I am getting married in one month. I felt obligated to have my sister as my MOH and I even had to pay for her dress (is supposed to pay me back) and she has not done much.. My mom is the real MOH. She and I have done everything! Thank god for moms.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/9/2009 4:27 PM CDT
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I know this is rather late, but I had to respond. To be honest, this person is not a true friend. I would put her in a the "associates" category. A true friend is a person who sticks by you during happy and sad times - and all other times in between.
Yes, you probably already had your wedding, and I'm sure it was beautiful..now you must assess who your true friends are. Life is short and if someone is that petty - than I would take inventory. I say that because I too am having the same type of situation - but mine is a relative. The bottom line is - there's a little jealousy there and It shows. I'm handling it very well because it's our day and how dare someone try to interfere to cause problems.
I hope all is well and maybe you and your friend need to have a heart to heart.
See ya
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/10/2009 12:05 PM CDT
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I agree with asking her to step aside (via text). If i didnt know any better i would think shes jealous and trying to sabotage things.
A MOH is supposed to be your "right hand woman" during this beautiful time in your life.
MY MOH has been awesome since the day i asked her. She sends out monthly newsletters to the bridemaids, she researches anything i'm looking for, makes calls for me, sets appts, attends fittings and bridal shows and she doesn't even live in the same city (she's an hour away)! She even went above and beyond by sending me flowers at work marking 6 months til my wedding day. I am forever greatful to her!
Pick someone you'd feel the same way about. You'll be much happier in the end.
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Re: Maid of Honor... FROM HELL.. What to do?
posted at 10/12/2009 1:49 PM CDT
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Go to the spa! I know how you feel! My sister was my MOH and not only did she not plan ANYTHING, she also did not attend ANYTHING. Not the shower, bach party, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, NOTHING. She also did not get the dress and had to get a knockoff which did not match and didnt show me the dress until the day of the wedding (cause thats when she bought it), which meant I had to spend part of my morning sewing a sash on her dress. Oh yeah, and she got wasted and trashed my house while I was at hair and makeup, and passed the bouquets to my other BM instead of holding them during the ceremony, and got drunk and poured a beer on me at the reception. Then took 5 boxes of my wedding cake home. (oh yeah, I didnt get ANY except the bite I took at the wedding.) Then she had the nerve to call me a week later and complain that I WASNT NICE ENOUGH TO HER! omg. I almost had a heart attack. So, I know it is so flippin annoying it makes you want to rip all her hair out, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt matter. Just avoid her, have a glass of wine and wait for your big day. It will be wonderful even with other people being stupid, and once its over, then you can avoid her until things blow over a little bit. Good luck! :)
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