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Cat:336d8010-1fcd-4410-9356-c39e985527ec

To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

Emotional Support

To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

<font color="#ffffff">Need some bridal therapy? Talk here.</font>

I am engaged to a wonderful man.  We are going to have a great wedding next summer and I couldn't ask for more. So here is my problem:  I don't want to change my last name and he really want

True

Emotional Support

To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

<font color="#ffffff">Need some bridal therapy? Talk here.</font>

I am engaged to a wonderful man.  We are going to have a great wedding next summer and I couldn't ask for more. So here is my problem:  I don't want to change my last name and he really want

Cat:336d8010-1fcd-4410-9356-c39e985527ecForum:851efcf2-ae7a-42b6-9b68-fa58d4dad4d2

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Forums > General Wedding Planning Topics > Emotional Support > To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

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Forums > General Wedding Planning Topics > Emotional Support > To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 10/30/2009 7:10 PM CDT on weddingchannel.com

nrb1234

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I am engaged to a wonderful man. We are going to have a great wedding next summer and I couldn't ask for more.

So here is my problem: I don't want to change my last name and he really wants me to.

I like my name and am not a big fan of his. Many women in my family have kept their names and no one thought any differently. His family doesn't even care! I have made a name for myself in my career and in my life and don't feel that just because I am getting married means I need to change that. I have thought about hyphening and even just adding his name to my name rather than changing it, but he still is not satisfied.

Any advice would be welcomed!!!!!!!!!

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 10/30/2009 11:51 PM CDT on weddingchannel.com

WhatawagSBNy

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     A fundamental part of marriage is learning to make decisions that the 2 of you can live with.     At some point you have to start.
     Who is most affected by this decision?   ( Or any decision.)   What will the other person give up? What is more important?

     In this particular case, name after marriage, you have had an identity since birth, and as an adult have made accomplishments in that name that are important to you.
      If you see marriage as you each having a separate identity, but joining together as 2 people in partnership, it is understandable that you would choose to keep your name, have him keep his, and have a joint address.
     Does he see this as a merger, where the stronger of 2 identities (which he sees as his) is kept while the less important one is discarded?
Does this mean that in the future he intends to be the one to dictate terms, whether you are happy or not?
     How I or anyone else on the board feels about the name issue does not matter.   That you and your future husband discuss this and work out the issue of how you will resolve differences in the future, that is what matters.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 10/31/2009 11:42 AM CDT on weddingchannel.com

Kraid

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I'd offer to take his name if he takes yours.

Fair's fair.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/1/2009 1:34 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

Lorie0322

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I liked his last name better then mine so I changed my name legally but did not change it on my email at work. I've been there a long time and didn't want to complicate things. I made changes for payroll only.

What I don't like about this tradition is how it started because the woman was the property of the man.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/1/2009 7:57 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

shelle1214

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In Response to Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!:

I'd offer to take his name if he takes yours. Fair's fair.
Posted by Kraid

You never fail to make me laugh :)

I would say you should sit down with FI and explain exactly why it is so important for you to keep your last name. Then I would ask him to explain why it is so important to him that you take his last name. There may be something there that you may not realize yet.

If he is still unbending or you have not changed your mind, then suggest the good compromise of hyphenating the names.

If it is still an issue then i guess you should figure out how important and worth winning or losing this battle is. It's something that can only be worked out between the two of you though. Good luck.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 6:59 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

LizK

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I know different ways friends have done it- one kept her name, and their kids hyphenate theirs. Some keep their names because their careers were established under that name when they married.
I plan to keep mine at work, at least until school ends in May (wedding in Dec.) it's so much easier. He says he doesn't care, but he is really happy I'm changing mine. His is shorter, easier to spell.

It is weird, though-I'm 37-have had this name for a long time. It will take some getting used to. I can see where people would want to keep theirs. Could you both hyphenate yours and his? There are a lot of ways to compromise. If he's not willing to even consider anything, you might think about what else he will insist on his way in the marriage-that's a little worrying.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 8:35 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

LittleBean

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I didn't really want to change my name, either (for all of the reasons mentioned above), but DH said he would be a little hurt if I didn't. What I ended up doing is, since I don't have a middle name, moving my maiden name to the middle and changing my last name. I didn't hyphenate, and I didn't change my name at work or socially, so now, depending on what paperwork I'm looking at, I have all sorts of names:

Jane Smith
Jane Smith Jones
Jane S. Jones
Jane Jones

It all works, I guess, but it is an adjustment. :-P

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 9:12 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

amandacj

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Months ago my then FI asked if I was changing my name, and I said yes. Conversation over. I got married two weeks ago. Now, we have realized that we have two different meanings to "taking his last name". Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) that I know replaces their middle name with their maiden name. ie) Jane Smith Jones. My DH says that it's an "implied hyphen" which he doesn't like. Because it's common in my social circle, I never thought about having my maiden name completely stripped out of my name. He is insisting that I drop the maiden and keep my middle name. The issue is still unresolved. Good luck to you... We haven't figured out a compromise yet either.

~Amanda

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 9:22 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

cosmogirl

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There was a bride recently who said it was a deal breaker for her fiance....if she didn't take his name, the wedding was off.

Other men might be a little sad or somewhat disappointed but hardly surprised (that was my husband).

Where does your FI weigh in on this scale from 1 to 10?

10 = take my name or the wedding is off
5 = okay keep your name, it didn't hurt to ask
1 = i never expected you to change your name, why are you even bring it up?

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 9:29 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

LittleBean

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In Response to Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!:

Where does your FI weigh in on this scale from 1 to 10?
10 = take my name or the wedding is off
5 = okay keep your name, it didn't hurt to ask
1 = i never expected you to change your name, why are you even bring it up?
Posted by cosmogirl

Heehee - I actually asked my DH where he fell on a scale of 1 - 10 on this issue (1 being that he totally didn't care one way or another, 10 being that it was a huge issue for him). He said he was a 3.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 9:52 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

misma09

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I never actually asked my DH how he felt about it. I know he expected me to change my name, but I was planning on it anyway. In my social circle, it common for the woman to change her name. I actually know of only one person who has kept her name.

On the other hand, I don't have any major degree and I have not made a name for myself under my maiden name. I never even thought of replacing my middle name with my maiden name. My middle name seems more of a part of me than my maiden name does.

Added to that, I don't have a huge fondness for my maiden name.

I will tell you that DH would not have been happy with me if I had wanted to keep my last name. To him, I think it would be like not entering into the marriage 100%.

But, we would have been the odd one out if I DID keep my last name. It would have been weird to everyone around us.

It's amazing how much your social circle and geographics play a role in some of these decisions.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 10:22 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

Ariel81916

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Amandacj - no one says you can't have two middle names!

My parents put my mother's maiden name as a second middle name for me and my sibs. Two of the four use both middle initials, but no one's ever questioned it either way.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 1:28 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

hiccups

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I'm the bride for whom the name change was a deal breaker. He never said the wedding would be off if I didn't take his name, but we discussed it before he proposed, and he said it would hurt him if I didn't want his name, so I agreed. When he proposed, he asked if I was ready to change my name, so obviously, it was important to him. I added his name onto my last name, moving my maiden name to my middle name. I still use both names, and he's fine with that. I would NEVER completely drop my maiden name--that just isn't done in my family. One of the reasons to keeping the maiden name rather than the middle is that people want to know who your family is... they don't care that your middle name is Ann.

I had planned on keeping my maiden at work, but my company doesn't allow that--everything in all the systems has to match payroll. In fact, if your payroll record doesn't match your Social Security card, your employer can be fined.

One thing I didn't think about, though, is that work has me listed as "Smith Jones, Jane," which is fine, but because of the way I applied for my SS card, really my name is "Jones, Jane Smith." So think about whether you want your "official" last name to be your fiance's, or yours followed by your fiance's. This is something that could be a problem, but I didn't think about that. I took my maiden as my middle name so that I don't always have to use it (e.g., when I call the vet's office I can be Jane Jones, Snickers' mom... they don't care about my professional identity). If you want your name to be the one used as the "official" name, then you have to put it, as well as your husband's name, in the boxes for last name (you can do that with or without a hyphen).

I will say it's been hard (the paperwork and notifications stink, and it's hard to remember my name is something different now), but it's a choice I made because it was so important to my husband. As long as he didn't have a problem with me continuing to use my maiden name as well as his, this was a solution that worked for us.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/2/2009 9:10 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

jdullo218

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Well, we went to the social security office today. Good-bye maiden name! Can't wait to get the new drivers licence, yay!

Mrs. Jean Flores
October 25, 2009

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/3/2009 1:24 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

Mindos

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I personally am not a fan of the losing my middle name bit just because it's still a part of my identity. I also want my name to live on. There are no boys except my son with my last name and I want to carry it on. I agree with someone before that said take each other's names. I told my husband we take each others or I don't take his at all. He tried to be macho about it and say that the man doesn't take the woman's name, so I showed him how "macho" he was and kept my own name. Our children will have both.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/3/2009 10:15 AM CST on weddingchannel.com

Kraid

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My husband and I originally planned to combine our last names and make a new one we'd both change to.

As those of you who know our last names via Facebook can imagine, the names didn't combine well, so we just kept our names as is.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/3/2009 11:08 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

futuregoozdich

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a few thoughts that might help you convince him...as i just went through this this weekend...ignore my screen name please. :)

-does he understand the amount of physical work it is to accomplish this? having been married once already, i realize this, and just don't want to do it again...bank accounts, credit cards, work contacts...yeesh.

-are you okay with people simply assuming you changed, and referring to you that way? for example, i really want to keep my last name for work reasons, but i don't care if people address mail to me with his last name, and i want any future kids to have his last name...

and last but not least...

-hold out for now, and use it as a wonderful 1st anniversary present. if he's still speaking to you.

good luck. i really believe that if someone truly loves you, they'll care about your happiness. help him realize how important it is to you, or step back and decide there are bigger more important battles you'd prefer to win.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/4/2009 1:33 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

kathy082810

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I'm surprised to hear many of you have such a difficult time with this, I understand how this can be a big deal now...I've never even considered keeping my name since it's a very long Polish last name that I need to spell 10 times a day.....so no brainer to change to a much shorter easier last name! I've never even heard of the middle name thing, interesting. Regardless of what you plan to do with your last name make sure it's a decision you're BOTH happy with and not doing it because he wants you to. Good Luck Ladies.

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Re: To Change or Not To Change--HELP!

posted at 11/4/2009 4:07 PM CST on weddingchannel.com

amk72136

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I worked with a woman who made her name hyphenated. She used her maiden name at work and in professional situations and the married name in casual situations. It's an idea.

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