Joined on
03-05-2007
OMAHA 757742262508180
Posts: 2546
First: 5/7/2009
Last: 3/20/2010
|
Cold feet are normal, but the way he is going about expressing his cold feet isn't.
I agree with misma you two should get a start on pre-marital counseling early. It'll give him the tools to communicate with you his feelings in a more mature manner and give you the tools to process them.
I was delierously happy when we first got engaged. Then about 3 weeks after the excitment died down I started to feel like "Oh sh!t, what the hell did I just do?"
I was in school for 2 years of our relationship, so our engagement period was the first time where I was around DH 24/7.
That was a huge adjustment for me. I am by and large a loner so having someone around constantly was very nerve wracking for me at first. I started to freak thinking I couldn't go thru with the marriage b/c I hated him mouth breathing in my face at night! (now I just roll over. lol)
Then I had not lived on my own so I was scared of ending up like my grandmother and when I died leaving behind 15 different credit cards with balances as far back as 1986!!
I can't say any of this is remotely rational, it wasn't. However I found out from my counseler and some reading of my own that my feelings are NORMAL.
It's how I chose to express them that was unhealthy.
I did end up moving out on my own for awhile. I really needed to be on my own and learn to handle my own finances nad household before I could be comfortable marrying DH.
I did not want to be dependent on someone. I wanted to know if DH got hit by a bus a week after we got married I could carry on on my own.
I also needed time to find ME. I didn't want to go from daughter, to student, to wife, to mother. I wanted to just be Amanda for awhile, whoever that was.
I needed time without being "So and So's daughter" or "So and So's wife".
It helped us, I feel. I don't think our marriage would be as stable if I had not done what I did.
If you belong to a church your minister can give you some counseling. Some employers offer limited counseling sessions. It would at least give you a start.
But you both do need counseling. His feelings are legit, but he cannot express them teh way he is doing now. That is hurtful and sends mixed messages to you.
You also need counseling so you can understand where he is coming from and not feel like it is a slight against you personally.
In the meantime I recommend the book The Truth Behind the Rock: Everything you didn't want to know about engagement until now.
While it is geared towards women, it does go into what you and your FH are experiencing right now. It was a HUGE relief for me b/c this book let me know I was NORMAL and gave me a way to start processing how I felt rather than feeling guilty.
|