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Cat:336d8010-1fcd-4410-9356-c39e985527ec
Should I do the 'right thing'?
Wedding Drama
Should I do the 'right thing'?
<font color="#ffffff">Your future mother-in-law said what?! Got a sticky situation? Get advice on friends, family, and more!</font>
My fiance and I are high school sweethearts getting married next year. I am 19 and he is 21, and we have been together almost 5 years.&nbsp; We have been trying to compile our guest list and there is
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Wedding Drama
Should I do the 'right thing'?
<font color="#ffffff">Your future mother-in-law said what?! Got a sticky situation? Get advice on friends, family, and more!</font>
My fiance and I are high school sweethearts getting married next year. I am 19 and he is 21, and we have been together almost 5 years.&nbsp; We have been trying to compile our guest list and there is
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Forums > General Wedding Planning Topics > Wedding Drama > Should I do the 'right thing'?

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Forums  >  General Wedding Planning Topics  >  Wedding Drama  >  Should I do the 'right thing'?

Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 11:31 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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My fiance and I are high school sweethearts getting married next year. I am 19 and he is 21, and we have been together almost 5 years.  We have been trying to compile our guest list and there is only one person that is questionable, my father's mother.


Ever since I can remember she has never been a positive influence in my life. She was never around much, because she traveled and moved around to different states. She lived near us when she was trying to reconcile with my grandpa; but he died when I was 9 years old, so she left once again.


About 4 years ago, she came back and now lives in the town next to us. I have disliked her for the reasons above, but when my brother and I went to talk to her one day about her absence in our lives she told me that "she had never loved me, and my mother shouldn't have had me because it took the love and attention away from my older brother." Needless to say I left. I talked to my mother about it, and she told me that my dad's mother hated her and told my mother when I was 4 months old that she "hated me too, because I reminded her of my mother, who stole her son."


Overall, I cannot stand being around this woman, and I feel that inviting her to my wedding would be a fake action on my part. I have no interest in having her continue to be in my life or to be around my future children. My mother tells me that "regardless of all the horrible things she has said and done that the 'right thing' to do is to invite her, because she is my dad's mother". I talked to my dad, and he told me that "he did not want her there either, and the only reason that he would have her there would be so he wouldn't have to hear her complain about not being invited."


I am sorry this is so long, but I really feel like I need a different perspective on this. I feel extremely defensive around her, because I am waiting for her to say or do something else that will be hurtful to my family, and the last thing I want is to feel like that on my wedding day. Please be honest, and tell me if I am being selfish or if you agree that I shouldn't have her there. Thank you for any and all help.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 11:42 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I certainly don't think you should invite anyone who has said such hateful things.  I think you need to talk to your dad again and get an honest and sincere answer from him.

If he says he really doesn't care if she's invited or not, then don't invite her.  If he says she will make his life a living hell if she's not invited OR if you know that it will stir up a lot of family drama with your aunts and uncles, etc., then bite the bullet and invite her (and a guest so she'll have someone to sit with -- you sure can't put her with your mom!).

Trust me when I tell you that your wedding day speeds by so fast.  You won't notice whether she is there or not.   Do it for your dad.   If he wants it.

Best wishes! 
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 12:09 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I agree with Cosmo. Anyone who tells you they wish you had never been born shouldn't receive a wedding invitation. That goes beyond the mildly irritating relative that you just don't want to be there.

I also wouldn't want to cause a family arguement over it, but it sounds like your father doesn't really care whether she's there or not.

It may be the "right thing" to invite her b/c she's your grandmother, but in reality, she has not been your grandmother throughout your life. I would cut all ties with her and leave it at that.

You certainly are not required to invite her, and personally, if someone talked to my daughter like that, I would not want her there. But if it will cause drama like your mother now won't come, or your father won't be there b/c he's upset she's not there etc., I would suck it up and invite her and then forget about it. Don't pay any attention to her if she ends up coming.

Chances are, if she dislikes you that much, she won't show anyway.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 12:16 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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WAG, I don't think you're being selfish at all. It may be hard for some people to understand how a grandmother could be so cruel and malicious to her granddaughter, but one of my very dearest friends could have all but written half of your post (her grandmother passed before this could be an issue). My heart broke for her after every visit she was forced to endure and I completely understand where you're coming from.


Cosmo is right that the one person you should be thinking of is your father. You need to have a serious, heartfelt talk with him about what he thinks is the best thing to do. Her opinion of you and your mother can't get any lower, so it's no skin off your nose if she's not invited - but your father may not want to take the risk. She is, at the end of the day, his mother after all. (Apparently my theme for the day is that you don't get to choose your family.)


If you (plural) decide she should be invited, you're under absolutely no obligation to treat her as an honored guest or give her any particular notice. Act as though she is just a random distant relative you were obligated to invite and keep her on the outskirts. Your wedding day will surround you with people who love you and cherish your friendship -- they will be the people you celebrate with and you won't even notice her clucking her tongue.


Good luck.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 12:41 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I'll agree with everyone and with yourself--you certainly should not feel as though you need to invite this woman.

I'm actually going to go a step further.  If your father starts getting grief for not being invited, what *I* would do would be to write her a short yet polite note with the reasons why.  I would try to avoid emotion or blame--just simply state that during your last conversation she was quite clear that she did not love you, did not want to love you, and wishes you were never born because "because it took the love and attention away from my older brother."    Then say that you want your wedding day to be surrounded by your friends and family who love you, therefore she should understand why she is not invited.  Tell her to please stop bothering your father about this, as it is your decision.  End it with best wishes, and move on.

I don't know you, and I recognize that this might be a difficult thing to do.  But it sounds to me as though this woman is frank about her feelings, therefore I would simply return them back to her.  It doesn't seem right for your father to have to deal with the consequences of his mother's behavior.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 1:15 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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      I agree - invite or not according to what will make your father happy.  I cannot imagine why she would actually attend.

     I would have a hard time not enclosing a note with the invitation, please invite an escort if you like, but leave your hatefulness at home.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 1:26 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Welcome to the boards!

I had this very situation!  What did I do?  I did write a note in her invitation that it was heartfully inconsiderate to cause disruptions at the happiest moments in my life.  I agree that the hateness should be left at home. 

The drama for this person then became one of "Yes I am going", "I'm not going", "Yes, I am going", "No I am not".  Then it was telling other family members that she didn't have a hand at picking out the groom, hello! -- only the bride get's to do that =P.  It was a lot of trouble that she was bringing up with family that not only decided to come out and give support, but to put her in her place.

So yes, the wedding day came along, and by-goly, there was a tackle, but I didn't notice it, because I was focusing on the reason why I was getting married.  But then I digress.

 - Ask your dad
 - If he wants her there, or she'll cause a ruckus, invite her with a note, and let your friends and family know at that point, that it could be a sore point, and if they can support you.
 - After that, don't worry, be happy!



"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart."

~ Mrs K ~
 ~ March 21st 2009 ~
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 1:44 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 I'm usually the "aww be nice, it's family" but screw that. Honestly, i wouldn't invite someone like that who has said the things she has to you, to join in my happy day.

Ask your dad how he feels and what he wants to be done, and if he says he can deal with her bi$ching and moaning, then that can be one invite that gets lost in the mail....(IMO)
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 2:48 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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Last: 11/22/2009

Do what is right for you- and that seems to not invite her since your dad already stated he does not want her there, and she has never been a positive influence in your life.  Enjoy your day, live, laugh, love to the fullest!!!
Mrs. Jean Flores
October 25, 2009
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 3:06 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 You're not selfish to not want this bitter woman at your wedding. Generally, I'm all for being gracious, but there are limits.

I do kind of think, though, that you should take some responsibility for the decision if/when your grandmother starts giving your father grief about not getting invited. I'm not saying you should just sit there and take any abuse she might hurl at you, but I think the suggestion ss gave of sending her a short note of explanation is a very good one.

By all means, talk to your father a little more, but it sounds like he's probably long ago resigned himself to his mother's ill-will towards his marriage and his family. Any comments she might make about your wedding will probably be nothing new to him.

Good luck.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/3/2009 10:00 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Thank you all so much for your helpful insight.  I had never thought to write her a letter to explain to her why she would not be invited; however, that seems like it would work out perfectly.  I think that it will help to eliminate the possibility of her complaining to my father, because it was a decision I made and if she wants to complain then she can bring it to me.  I am going to try and talk to my father again about this, my brother brought it up to him a few weeks ago and he told my brother the same things he told me, but I'm still going to try.  Again, thank you all for your help.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/4/2009 1:27 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Wow!! What an incredible (and sad) story.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

I am a big fan of Miss Manners and Miss Manners says, "Of course you have to invite her, she's family!"

I always thought that was a good one - ironic, sardonic and so TRUE!!!

But I think you have come up with a legitamate exception to the 'she's family' rule.

Don't invite her.  Don't write her a note. And don't apologize for not inviting someone who has made it clear she does not care about you or your future. 
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/5/2009 1:43 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Don't invite her.
I am in a similar situation. I am not inviting my father's parents because they have hurt him and our family time and time again. My father is an amazing person and would not be bothered either way and has never stopped me from having a relationship with them, but I just can't stand them being around.
Everyone says that I should invite them, but I am not going to invite people who hurts me and the people I love.
Don't waste the postage on negative people.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/6/2009 1:09 AM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Wag~

     Sounds to me like your Dad doesn't want her there, but does not want to be the one who is held responsible in his mother's mind, for her not being invited. Since your dad doesn't want her there, and you don't care about your relation ship with your Grandmother, try this: Give your dad the way out that he needs, in order to be okay with keeping her out of your special day. Don't invite her, and have your dad tell his mother that there is just nothing he can do, that you are the one who won't have her there. After those traumatic, aweful things she put you through, she knows full well why she would not be invited, .
     I know that when you have to live with the decisions of your own life, the answers don't seem as black and white. In short, think of it like this: When a blood relative makes it clear that she has never loved you, she is making a big statement.  The only reason she would think she can get away with that is if people have let her get away with it in the past. Set the consequence, "Not in my family." People shouldn't expect to be able to escape the hard times in the family and cause intentional harm, yet partake in the public celebrations of that same family. Grandma is the one who needs to do "the right thing." She expects to be able to get away with being unloving by being even more unloving(making your dad's life hell)? She is a grownup, who knew what she was doing when she put her dislike of you in to clear English.
     Her audaciously selfish immaturity sickens me, and I am so sorry that your family is being manipulated by that weirdness. My best to you.

~Miss Abby's two cents, save it or spend it.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:33 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 oh wow i only got half way though your post when the resounding no came out of my mouth. if she can say that you family or no she's a toxic person and doesn't deserve to share in your day. if she asks why? tell her straight up and remind her of your conversation. however if someone asks why, be tactful. Chances are any one who knows her will know why, women like that feel the need to share their opinion with any one who will listen.

Good luck and remember its about you and your fiance, nothing else is important and if the only thing that happens is at the end of the day your married... then it was a great day, don't stress over things no one will remember in 20 mins.
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Re: Should I do the 'right thing'?

posted at 11/6/2009 12:50 PM CST on weddingchannel.com
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 Since your grandmother has made it abundantly clear that she isn't interested in your life, she should have no concerns about being invited to your wedding.  Even if your father REALLY wanted her there, I'd have a hard time recommending that you invite her--and he doesn't even think she should come.  I would treat her with the same courtesy you would a stranger.  Why invite trouble?  If she then complains vociferously to your father about not being invited, he can calmly tell her that perhaps she should have thought about that before telling you she wished you hadn't been born.
Counting down to 4/3/10!
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